A year and a half ago, we went on a short vacation for my 49th birthday. It’s not always easy going on a holiday with one child who wants (and needs) a lot of entertainment. While we imagine hours of laying in lounge chairs reading books, she imagines waking up with the roosters, cannonballs in the pool, lawn games galore, and endless pizza. On this holiday, we discovered the benefit of making vacation friends. Not only are the kids wholly entertained, but the adults can commune and enjoy being adults. On this particular holiday, we met the most wonderful vacation friends, who have become real-life friends and a big reason why we are now in Canada (hallelujah).
I’ve always been good at making friends but when I was younger, I didn’t care much for it. I had my crew and was satisfied with that circle, which I turned to for all my needs. The core group of friends I grew up with is my chosen family. We saw each other through thick and thin through some of the most difficult times of our adolescence and early adulthood. As we age and our lives take all kinds of twists and turns, those relationships can, at times, distance and, at other times, deeply intersect.
As I developed work friends or other adult friends, I began to realize the importance of having a multitude of relationships in life. My father once told me—when I was much younger and gutted he wouldn’t let me go to THE IT party—that when I was older if I could count my closest friends on one hand, I was rich. Cue eye-roll from a 16-year-old, but now, at 50, I get it.
This realization brings me to the concept of “tend and befriend.” The theory is a psychological concept that describes an alternative stress response to the well-known "fight or flight" response. It suggests that in addition to the fight or flight response, humans, particularly women, have another response to stress that involves nurturing behaviors and forming social bonds. Tending involves nurturing activities that protect ourselves and our loved ones, promote safety, and reduce stress. In our busy lives, it’s easy to get caught up in daily routines and forget the value of these nurturing actions. But, when we tend to our relationships and build new connections, we create a supportive environment that helps us manage stress and enhances our emotional well-being.
Friendship becomes even more essential in midlife. A solid support system is invaluable as we navigate significant transitions—career changes, health challenges, or shifts in family dynamics. Friendships provide emotional support, reduce feelings of isolation, and improve our mental health. They offer different perspectives, encourage us to try new things and remind us that we are not alone in our experiences. They give us a space to share our fears and hopes, laugh about absurdities, and find comfort in shared understanding. These relationships enrich our lives and provide a sense of belonging and purpose.
As some friends reminded me this week, our lives may sometimes be mundane, but there is so much beauty and intimacy in sharing the mundane (via Jess Janz
) :So, as I watch my little one jump right back into her relationship with her Canadian bestie without skipping a beat, it's a beautiful reminder that if we keep our hearts open and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in safe spaces, there is a whole world of relationships yet to be formed and nurtured.
Ali, Forty Fifty
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ICYMI
The Midlife Friendship Crisis – Robyn, Age 48
In media, friendships are strong, a lifetime in most cases, and can weather any storm. But in reality, as a 48-year-old, I have learned that friendships can be transient, hard to maintain, and even harder to foster. Read her story.
Other “Reads” This Week
Women Holding Things by Maira Kalman
“What do women hold? The home and the family. And the children and the food. The friendships. The work. The work of the world. And the work of being human. The memories. And the troubles. And the sorrows and the triumphs. And the love.” In Women Holding Things Maira Kalman explores, in her signature combination of writing and painting, the significance of the tangible and intangible objects we carry- in our hands, hearts, and minds.
Substack Recommendations
How People Are Making Friendship Work *Right Now*
’s ’s article explores contemporary friendship dynamics through a series of interviews for her book project, “Friend Group.” She emphasizes the importance of community and enduring friendship in a culture focused on individualism and optimization.A Call For Submissions!
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