When I was a little girl, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I would always say—a mom. When I held my Mom's hand, I only thought I wanted to be a mom like her someday. She epitomized strength, resilience, unconditional love, protectiveness, selflessness, affection, and warmth.
The day I became a woman at 11 was emotional and exciting as I realized my period was the first step in my body changing from a young girl into a woman. To one day become a mom to you. But something didn't feel quite right. The pain and discomfort I was experiencing became a concern at a young age. As I moved from high school to college, it became a daily sickness. I had so many questions and no answers. I knew I needed to find the right doctor to determine what was wrong with me.
At the age of 22, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. My questions had finally been answered, and I officially began my journey with this disease, which consisted of various medical treatments, procedures, surgeries, and countless doctor appointments. I remained hopeful that my dream of having you would come true as I maintained stage 1 endometriosis for almost 20 years, meaning the disease had not compromised my reproductive system.
As I approached my forties and was not in a relationship, I explored different ways to have you on my own. Sadly, I was not an "ideal" candidate for adoption because of my age, and I was told not to pursue it further. My age continued to be an obstacle to freezing my eggs. At age 42, I decided to stop taking continuous birth control pills and find alternative ways to battle the disease. I fought a good fight for you, but the disease continued to wreak havoc on my body.
After my tenth endometriosis operation, my surgeon delivered the heartbreaking news that the endometriosis had grown to stage 4, and my entire reproductive system was intertwined with endometriosis growth. I knew my battle with the disease was over right then and there, and I made the decision to have a hysterectomy. That little girl inside me who always wanted to be a mom was devastated. I let her down. My body let her down. I let you down.
Recovering from my hysterectomy has been the most challenging stage of my life. I grieved for the loss of my reproductive system. I struggled with feeling like I was less of a woman. I battled extreme anxiety and depression. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I didn't recognize myself. I grieved for the fact that I was not able to be your Mom.
It has been almost four years post-hysterectomy, and I still struggle daily. But I have learned all the strengths I possess that would have made me a good mom are used to nurturing my relationships with my husband, family, friends, and four-legged angels.
Life is not easy, and we are forced to make decisions that we never thought or imagined would or could be possible. But we must love ourselves no matter what because we matter. We are needed. We are loved.
Love you! Not an Endo survivor but I felt you're struggles♥️
As a fellow Stage 4 Endo survivor who also could not have children, this breaks my heart. Thank you for speaking your truth and sharing it with the world. Sending love and healing your way.